Growing Up...Or At Least Trying To
I always thought when I was growing up that I would become something incredible. I figured I would be the one to do something that mattered. I never knew what it was going to be, but I knew it would happen. I think kids always think that. The beautiful thing about childhood is the way we see ourselves. So innocent. So confident. Untouched by the anxieties of the world, the pressures of other people, and even worse-the judgment of ourselves. I never imagined that by the ripe age of 24 I would be ready to quit. Ready to stop doing whatever I'm doing and retreat into a life of isolation. Never wanting to see another person. Never wanting to hear anyone's harsh words. Never wanting to let another person impact how I feel about myself.
The only thing I can think of that is worse than my current way of life, would be that life of isolation. Because while I can barely handle the criticisms of the outside world, they have less of a grasp on me than my own mind does.
You never think when you're a kid that you'll wake up one day hating your job, wanting nothing more than finding something you're passionate about only to realize that you have no fucking idea what that even might be. You never think you'll check your email to find 3 rejection letters for jobs in a 2 hour time period. You never think that you aren't going to be good enough. Until one day, you just aren't.
The worst part about growing up is realizing that. That you might not actually be incredible. You might not move mountains. You might not be the girl that has songs written about her. You might never find what you're looking for. And that you might never actually know who you wanna be. You might actually never be good enough.
You might never be good enough for your current employer. You might never be good enough to leave your current employer either. You might not be good enough for your friends, or family for that matter, because you spend all of your time with your boyfriend- and actually prefer it that way. And you might not be good enough for the amazing guy who actually gets to be one of the incredible people in this word, who you fell absolutely in love with, all because you write stupid blogs like this detailing all the ways you aren't good enough for your own life.
The hardest part about growing up is accepting who you actually are, as opposed to who you thought you'd always become. You won't be an astronaut, a doctor, a ballerina, or even a pop star. You'll most likely just be a banker. Not even a good banker. Just a banker. Who doesn't like banking. And who's boss thinks you need to read a book about being so sensitive and ways to change that.
Maybe you'll just always be, the Highly Sensitive Banker.
The only thing I can think of that is worse than my current way of life, would be that life of isolation. Because while I can barely handle the criticisms of the outside world, they have less of a grasp on me than my own mind does.
You never think when you're a kid that you'll wake up one day hating your job, wanting nothing more than finding something you're passionate about only to realize that you have no fucking idea what that even might be. You never think you'll check your email to find 3 rejection letters for jobs in a 2 hour time period. You never think that you aren't going to be good enough. Until one day, you just aren't.
The worst part about growing up is realizing that. That you might not actually be incredible. You might not move mountains. You might not be the girl that has songs written about her. You might never find what you're looking for. And that you might never actually know who you wanna be. You might actually never be good enough.
You might never be good enough for your current employer. You might never be good enough to leave your current employer either. You might not be good enough for your friends, or family for that matter, because you spend all of your time with your boyfriend- and actually prefer it that way. And you might not be good enough for the amazing guy who actually gets to be one of the incredible people in this word, who you fell absolutely in love with, all because you write stupid blogs like this detailing all the ways you aren't good enough for your own life.
The hardest part about growing up is accepting who you actually are, as opposed to who you thought you'd always become. You won't be an astronaut, a doctor, a ballerina, or even a pop star. You'll most likely just be a banker. Not even a good banker. Just a banker. Who doesn't like banking. And who's boss thinks you need to read a book about being so sensitive and ways to change that.
Maybe you'll just always be, the Highly Sensitive Banker.
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